“I must be appreciated”, or the need for validation

An experienced manager is oftentimes satisfied not by his income, but by approval and appreciation. Yet, how could one have these attributes, when he doesn’t know where to get them from?

Peter, for example, with whom I worked at some point as a coach, is an expert in advertising and sales. He’s was a serious top manager with a family, but also the kind of person willing to help whenever someone asked him. It’s this availability and his complex background that recommended him for multivalent areas. As a consequence, some people used to see him as being involved in too many projects.

Peter’s problem – favored by his background in both advertising and sales – was that he was accepting multiple projects, although he wasn’t very happy to do so. Yet, this wasn’t his biggest issue. He had a communication problem with his boss and lacked clarity in his work. He was involved in two different projects, which he led without much of validation or feedback. This lack of reaction from his boss created a false impression of not being appreciated, despite the fact that his colleagues trusted him.

TRUE SIGHT

I worked with Peter on acknowledging the reality and acting against his perceptions. Bad perceptions arise because we develop beliefs regarding other people or reflect upon them things that subconsciously believe about us. Bad perceptions come from the lens we wear and the things we choose to see through them.

In time, due to the interactions with his boss and the rest of the team (like meetings, presentations, 1on1 conversations etc.), Peter started to consolidate his faith, and gained clarity regarding his true situation.
Another thing that Peter was facing was the fact that the company’s objectives were always based on short-term results and were opposed to his need to build up things and wait for the moment when things naturally develop (like signing a deal). Corporations often force people to act quicker that their own rhythm.

APPRECIATE YOURSELF

The biggest challenge for Peter was to understand that he was the one who ought to appreciate him. We might also be talking about the basic need of being loved, hidden behind the need for attention and valorization.
After a year of work, Peter decided to ask for a single project to work on, through which he would achieve a measurable and tangible objective, that would confirm his place in the management team.

What was different? I believe his courage and the choice to drop the role of a bivalent manager, enrolling in a specific and measurable project. He stopped to ask for appreciation from others and begun to trust himself.